June 26th I wrote that I was spinning in circles. Crazy how life works. When I wrote those words, I had no idea that we would still be spinning in circles all of these months later.
The trauma that hit our family in the middle of last May seemed HUGE. Big. Crazy Big. Especially when we came to understand how our other three children were affected. Now we know that in May and June we had only experienced the first blow. God is so good in that He allowed all of this to come one blow at a time. Although that truth has kept us unsteady on our feet for many months, we couldn't have handled it any other way.
It reminds me of when Mom was sick and actively dying. I remember learning that her blood pressure had dropped significantly and I called the main hospice number late at night to have a nurse rush out to care for her. The woman on the other end had to deliver the next blow; ready or not it was time. Up until then I couldn't have handled knowing that nurses wouldn't come rushing as her body prepared for death. It was that night that it was time for me to learn that this was the plan; dropping blood pressures, dizziness, altered levels of consciousness..... they were the new normal and were no longer cause for alarm. I weeped uncontrollably into that phone, but slowly over the next days I processed this new reality and settled in until the next blow came our way.
And so it's been with this experience. We take a blow and fall to our knees. Kind, loving, and gentle friends help us back up, brush us off, give us a hug, pray with us and then send us back out to prepare for the next round. Every single time we hope that we are reaching the end, but as of today, we aren't even close. One thing that is close, however, is Christ.
I would love to fill you with knowledge about all that I'm learning, because I am learning, but more important right now is that I'm resting in what I know to be true. I know that He is a mighty God. I know that I am His daughter. I know that He loves me. I know that He will never forsake me. I give God all the praise and glory for every breath that I take. He is worthy of my praise and I will not stop turning others to Him. I know that there is joy waiting for me when I choose to rest in the truth that only He is needed for me to have joy. This is the truth that I'm seeking to devour right now.
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
I delight greatly in the Lord;
my soul rejoices
For he has clothed me with garments of salvation
and arrayed me in a robe of his righteousness,
as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.
For in the day of trouble he will keep me safe in his dwelling; he will hide me in the shelter of his sacred tent and set me high upon a rock. Then my head will be exalted above the enemies who surround me; at his sacred tent I will sacrifice with shouts of joy; I will sing and make music to the Lord. Hear my voice when I call, Lord; be merciful to me and answer me.
Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.
I'll have more because there is so much more to be had. I may not know the end of this story but my God does and that is good enough for me tonight. Good enough as I prepare to lay my head down for rest.
You're so good, God. It's this funny little smile that hasn't left my lips since I searched your word for your truth. It's just there....a little smile, a knowing smile. Because you came after me, because you wanted ME, because I have been taught by men & women who love you. Due to your word, your goodness, and the teachers you've brought into my life, I know the truth. Okay, okay, I needed direction (gently smacked around) by Johnathan yesterday, but I still know the truth, and tonight I'm going to bed with this little smile on my face because of your truth. Your goodness.
.....The Living Word.......
......The Holy Spirit that Lives In Me.....
What else could a girl need?
I love you!