Just over ten months. Day in and day out, for ten lovely months, I would raise myself from the bed at four a.m. to ready my body for another dose of anti-depressant. After dressing myself in my daily attire of black-dri-fit pants, shirt, hat, and my favorite Brooks shoes, I would pour myself a cup of steaming hot joe to drink on the way and another thermos full that would be waiting for me in the car after getting my sweat on. By four-forty a.m., I would be ready to face the moon light. It was always such a treat to find the moon high and bright. Surely, I was one of only a few that had the priviledge of enjoying this precious time of day.
The drive wasn't long, but long enough to set my head to the task at hand. What would she have in store for me on this day? Would it be that dreadfully boring rowing machine? An all out hill climb on the elliptical? Treadmill work with the toughest, and unbelievably rewarding, forty-five second sprints ever? If that was the case then she would definitely add in fifteen-minute stair climbs as a bonus. Or, if I were really lucky, she would take me upstairs and offer up a spin bike. She knew how much I loved spinning and she would sometimes treat me to a full hour of all out spinning. I miss the spinning. Let's be honest......I miss it all.
I was strong. I was happy. I felt like I could tackle the world. And then I stopped. It wasn't purposeful - never is. I just called and asked for a short break while I took care of one of life's stessors. That's where Satan found his in. Allowing sin in slowly is one of the enemy's tricks. He has very few tricks and he doesn't change them up. He just knows my weaknesses and sets his sights on them.
The year that followed that phone call to my Aimee was one of the most challenging of my adult life. It was the absolute worst time for me to take a break from the healthy routines that helped me to stay focused and out of the depression that I call, "The Crazy Place." The challenging year was made worse because I wasn't taking care of myself. My poor choices made an already difficult time feel impossible. In addition, I was far from God during these months. The world was spinning so far out of control that I couldn't even consider my relationship with Christ. The self absorption that came from me feeling as though I were being wronged (Crazy Place symptom) drove me to grow my very sick, and very perverse, addiction to food over the edge. From April of 2012 until July of 2013 I gained seventy-two pounds. S.e.v.e.n.t.y.-t.w.o.
Thankfully, by July of 2013, we were recovering as a family, despite my sick state, and becoming the family that God desired us to be, but I was a trainwreck. I had myself back into a state of immobility. Moving my body felt absolutely impossible. My weight had topped out to a number that I never dreamed possible. I called Aimee to see if she would consider helping me again. She came from July 13 of '13 and stayed with me consistently until school started for her. After that we met once or twice a month through mid-October. In the meantime, I was homeschooling my entire crew ~ which I loved. Once I lost Aimee, I lost steam; she motivates me, she keeps me moving, she keeps me working hard. But, she was busy and I couldn't find the strength to get up and go to the gym to take her early morning classes. It was ridiculous really. Broken. I am broken and for reasons that I fail to understand, my drug was more important than the feeling that came from those healthy habits.
Why is it so hard? Sin. We live in a broken and sinful world and without Jesus Christ and accepting this as a spiritual journey, we will fail. I have yet to turn over my addiction & my life fully to Jesus.
From mid-October of '13 until now, June 10, '14, I've put the weight back on that I had taken off last summer with Aimee. It was only twenty plus pounds, but it felt better than this.
This year Aimee called me in May. "Want to train again this summer? I can start June 10th." Yes. Yes, I absolutely do. Praise God.
Today was the day.
Day #1 complete. Fifty-five minutes of crunches, lifting, cardio, praying and crying. So grateful that Aimee loves the Lord. So grateful that she will pray with me when my head is saying, "I can't." So grateful that she can help me lean on Him when I don't have anything to give.
This morning I told her that this is a spiritual journey and not a physical one. God, my workouts are worship to you. My food choices are worship to you. I choose to say yes to you, God. The enemy asks me to come with him multiple times a day. It is my heart to resist saying no to him and instead choose to say YES!! to YOU.
Tomorrow morning at nine a.m., I will be back at it again with Aimee. We will turn the music up loud and, based on history, I will cry and sweat and hurt ~ a lot.
I can not wait.